Their stories
Brenda
When it all began
On one ordinary afternoon in Greensboro, North Carolina, Brenda White arrived home from work, went into her kitchen, and started doing the laundry. She opened the doors to the patio to let some fresh air into the house. She was standing in the kitchen when her then-husband arrived home. But, seven years later, White would look back on this day as the one that changed her life.
"I had never gone through anything as horrific as that in my entire life."
Unprovoked, White’s then-husband came into the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and plunged it into her body.
“He just started stabbing, no argument, no conversation, no nothing. He just started stabbing,” White remembers of that day.
In all, White was stabbed 10 times with four different knives. She remembers her husband saying he had to finish her off. She bargained with him for her life, asking him to think of her mother who was ill and needed someone to take care of her.
“Your daughter will take care of your mother,” he said.
She remembers her former husband tying her to the oven door and she felt blood ooze all over the floor.
“I could feel the blood just gushing out of me. I could feel it, I could feel it and he walked ever so carefully around me so that he didn’t get any blood on him at all,” She said. “He walked, I mean, strategically walked around so he could not get any on his shoes, on his clothes at all. I think, he went back and sat on the sofa and just looked at me.”
Her former husband sat on the sofa and told White he was getting help. In reality, he was on a dating app called Tags, confirming plans with another woman. He waited for signs of life to leave her body. Once satisfied, he walked out the front door, leaving White lying on the floor.
“That's when I said, 'I've got to get up,' and I just prayed. I said, 'Lord, help me get up, help me get up, help me get up.'”
As White struggled free from her ties, she began slipping in her own blood in an effort to get out of the house.
“My doctors told my daughter that had I been a very thin woman, I would have died because I lost just that much blood,” she said.
She managed to drag herself out of the house and run to her neighbor's house.
“He’s going to kill me, he’s going to kill me,” she remembers screaming to her neighbor. Her husband was outside getting a toolbox and drill from the car when she escaped. When he realized what was happening, he jumped into White’s car and took off.
White’s neighbor called the police and helped her to the hospital. Her husband was arrested that night.
“I was married to him for 12 years, believe it or not, and there was not any signs of it at all. There was not ever, ever in my home...I didn't have a clue at all,” she said.
The aftermath
White’s wounds were stitched up at the hospital and then she was sent home, spending the night at a friend's house since her's was a crime scene. White sustained wounds to her side, neck, back, arm and face. The nerve in her left arm was completely severed, requiring multiple surgeries and rehabilitation.
NCADV
"It was just hard to function."
"I had to learn to tie my shoe again and I had to learn to zip a zipper, peel an apple, orange, I couldn't do any of that. You know, my hair is cut this way because I couldn't use a curling iron, so I had to find a way to still be sassy,” White said.
After White’s house was cleared from being a crime scene, she decided to go back. She owned the house and refused to let her ex-husband take her home away.
“I went back in my house and I took a bucket with one arm and I cleaned up all that blood,” she said.
But while White was finally back in her house, her life was far from normal.
“I didn't want to sleep because I didn't want to dream. So I didn't sleep much at all. I remember just never ever going to sleep. I just didn't want to dream,” White remembers. “It got to a point where I just, I could see myself laying on the floor.”
Going to trial
Two and a half years after that night, White found herself on the stand testifying. White’s lawyer had offered her ex-husband a plea deal, which he refused.
“It was horrific because I was the first one on the stand and I was on the stand for like, three hours. Then you start to relive it again, because all the evidence comes out… and I relived it all over again,” White said.
But in the end the jury ruled in White’s favor, sentencing her ex-husband to 49 years in prison without parole. He received 24 years for attempted murder and 11 years for kidnapping. According to Article 10, in the state of North Carolina kidnapping is defined as confining, restraining, or moving from one place to another with out the consent of that person or their legal guardian. The other 14 years derived from the stolen and damaged property charges from stealing White’s car and hitting two people in his attempt to escape.
“[It felt] like a relief. But I cried, I just cried,” White remembers of when she heard the trial verdict. “Now I can start my life. I can start living, this is behind me. I don't ever have to worry about seeing him again.”
While the worst was over, the healing process was long from complete. There were two things that helped bring White to where she is today.
“It was counseling and prayer. I must admit it was prayer. I prayed a lot, and God really gave me strength,” White said.
After visiting countless doctors and attending lots of therapy, White now uses her story to empower other women in similar situations.
"I'm grateful I'm alive..."
"I'm grateful that I can share my story, that I can tell people how to get from point A to point B and to know that they can do that. Know that there's life after violence, you can live and you can be productive and you can, you can't let that one incident prevent you from living your life," White said.
In fact, a few years ago she was asked by the Family Justice Center, a resource for domestic violence victims in downtown Greensboro, to speak at the center. White says she started telling her story there and hasn’t stopped since.
“It's rewarding to me to be able to help other people,” says White. “It's hard when individuals don't know what domestic violence is. That's a piece that a lot of people just don't seem to get. You think it’s just someone just hitting you, it's more than that.”
Therapy, prayer, and working with domestic violence victims has allowed her to grow and change, and White searches for more positivity in her life now.
“I don't allow any type of negativity to come through those doors, none whatsoever,” White says. “I've got peace in there and peace is something that you just can't buy.”
And White says she still has hopes for love in the future.
“Hopefully one day I’ll marry again and I don't know when, but hopefully one day, but I will never let that stop me from the possibility of having a life for someone else.”
Andrea
The battle
“The first time he really right out hit me, it was in the middle of the night. He got hungry, he wanted me to get up and go fix him something to eat. I didn't want to do it. So it became an argument. I got upset, just went ahead and did it. As I turned around, he full blown punched me in my face, and I kind of went up on the counter. And that's when I felt like this is wrong, I should get out of this. But it was like a battle trying to get out of it from that point.”
You never think it'll happen to you
Andrea Stinson admits she never thought she'd find herself in an abusive relationship. Before her experience with domestic violence, Stinson judged a friend for staying with her abusive partner.
"I remember one night being in the house with her and he like came through her kitchen window. And literally dragged her through the house and I was like, why are you in this?" she said.
But six months later, Stinson was wrapped up in the same kind of toxicity she had judged her friend for. She describes it as imprisonment. It started with verbal abuse, then escalated to physical abuse.
Stinson was with her partner on and off for about five years. He alienated her from all of her friends, but she stayed in the relationship for the sake of her youngest son, whose father was her abuser.
The abused becomes the aggressor
Stinson and her husband planned to work on their marriage. But when Stinson found out her husband had impregnated another woman, she couldn't take it anymore.
"I snapped. I remember I was cooking. And I remember the hot grease going across the room. I found the biggest knife in my kitchen that I could find, and I went for him, I saw red. I went for him. And if it wasn't for my child that shoved me into the tub at the time, I probably would have been in prison," Stinson said.
"I saw red."
That's when Stinson knew it was time to get out. She had become accustomed to an aggressive atmosphere, and she was becoming an aggressor herself. Stinson said she was tired of fighting back, and in her rage she almost did something unforgivable.
"You just have to get to a place where you're like, 'I'm done.' That's the only way you're gonna walk away from it. You have to choose you at the end of the day," she said.
The recovery
Since 2013, Stinson has been choosing herself. She broke off all contact with her abuser and turned to her church and spirituality to help her heal. She values the undying support she receives from her children, but she says the healing process is a slow one.
"This person took you captive and took you."
Over the five year period Stinson was in an abusive relationship, she repeatedly left and went back to her husband. She's thankful now for the patience her friends and family showed her, and says that is the greatest gift you can give a victim.
"You're going to have to know there's going to be days that you invested so much into [helping someone] and they turn around and go right back, but you got to be able to show up whenever they come back, because it's a process," said Stinson.
Growth
Stinson says she doesn't regret the battle. It shaped her into the person she is today, a person she is proud of to be.
"Sometimes you have to just go through things in order for you to be able to bring your greatness out."
Now, seven years into recovery, Stinson plans to start a movement called "JuJu Mamas," pushing women to accept their inner beauty.
"If you can carry life inside you, you can be life to yourself."
Deborah
How it started
When she was 19 years old, Deborah Clemons found herself in a place she never imagined she would be – in an abusive relationship. Originally from Kentucky but now living in North Carolina, Clemons met the man who would become her abuser in a restaurant she worked in. Her initial impression was that he was cute. She never expected the relationship to become violent.
“He would randomly accuse me of cheating and I'm like, 'No, I'm not cheating,'" Clemons remembers. "Then it turned physical. I’ve had a gun drawn on me, I've been shot at, had my ankles broke, fingers broke, food thrown on me. You name it, I've had it done to me."
NCADV
"I always tried to find what I did wrong to make him angry..."
Clemons desperately tried to make her abuser happy. But she never could, and she never knew what she was doing wrong. She describes trying to get out of an abusive relationship as going through war. It is not just about physically getting away, but mentally too.
"You know it's not good, but that's all you know. So in a domestic relationship that's subject to violence, that's all you know. So that's what you're comfortable with, that's what you're used to. So in your mind, you think it's normal," Clemons said.
"As long as I have Him here with me, then I can do this."
Navigating divorce
As Clemons started preparing to leave her husband she feared that she wouldn't be able to keep her plans hidden from him. She never kept anything hidden from others, but in this case she knew it was essential for her safety.
"I looked at it as not being deceitful, but surviving."
Clemons reached out to United Way of the Bluegrass, since at the time she was still in Kentucky. United Way is an organization with a variety of programs to help benefit the local community. She described her situation, asking what first steps she could take. Because Clemons had not yet been physically abused, she did not meet United Ways' program criteria and they directed her to other agencies.
After that, Clemons filed for divorce. She was able to use a pro bono office to avoid fees. The divorce went uncontested and Clemons asked for nothing from her husband except the custody of her four children. Thankfully, her husband obliged.
Clemons says after the divorce things were rocky. But now, 16 years later, they are cordial and there is no violence.
The relationship between Clemons, her kids and their father was one of the tougher things to navigate.
“Now that they're older, it's getting better. When they were younger, he was still trying to control a lot, trying to say, don't take them there, you can't do this, I don't want them around this person," Clemons said.
"But as they got older, that relationship got better because I had less contact with him and didn't have to talk to him as much.”
While it was difficult for Clemons to leave her husband because of her children, she now realizes the greatest reason to leave an abusive relationship is for the sake of the children.
"I stayed because I had my children. I said, 'I can't be a single mom raising kids, what's going to happen to them?' I didn't want them to be a statistic," Clemons said.
"You may not think it affects them, but it does affect them."
"One thing I would say to a mother with children, especially if they're young children, don't let them feel abandoned."
Moving forward
Clemons hopes that one day she can take her experience and use it to help others who are going through similar situations by providing resources to them.
“I hope to have the money one day to take all the abandoned buildings everywhere and refurbish them and make domestic violence housing. The only stipulation is you have to finish your degree, whether it be high school, take a trade, you have to do something to make yourself self-sufficient. So you don't have to depend on anyone," Clemons said.
"You have to think of life after domestic violence and that’s kind of what I want to empower [women] to do.”
While her dreams may be ambitious, Clemons wants to provide hope and advice to those in abusive relationships so maybe they can get out sooner than she did.
“I would tell them to...be cautious, be aware, never go anywhere by yourself. I would tell them to focus on getting a support group. I would tell them to find peace in knowing that it's not their fault. They are not to blame," Clemons said. "I've given my phone number to people before saying call me. I don't care what time, call me and I'll come get you."
But looking back now, Clemons can laugh at what she went through, and takes pride in the fact that she survived.
Portia
Kickstarting change
Three days after Thanksgiving Day in 2006, Portia Shipman received a call that turned her world upside down. A dear friend had been reported missing. It wasn't until 19 months after that phone call that she discovered what had really happened to Sherri Denese Jackson.
“She was just a wonderful person. She had a spirit about her that was just unbelievable,” Shipman said.
Jackson was a young woman battling domestic violence. Unknown to her family and friends, her then-boyfriend, DeCarlo Bennett was abusing her. In 2006 Jackson filed for a 50-B protection order against Bennett. This type of restraining order is specifically for cases dealing with domestic violence.
But even with the protection order, Bennett would still stalk and abuse Jackson, ultimately strangling Jackson and burying her body in the backyard of his mother’s house.
19 months later, Bennett led authorities to Jackson’s remains as part of a plea bargain. Because of this, Bennett was sentenced to only 13 years in prison and was convicted of second-degree murder. Bennet is set to be released from prison in 2021.
“I was there that day in the courtroom when he came, when they gave him a slap on the wrist,” Shipman remembers.
“As they said, 'Hey, don't ever do that again, if you ever kill a person and have them missing for 19 months, don't you ever ever do that again'. It was not fair justice was not served to Sherri.”
The birth of the foundation
Portia Shipman founded the Sherri Denese Jackson Foundation (SDJF) in June 2008, with the goal of helping victims of domestic abuse reclaim their lives.
Shipman says no one deserves to suffer the way her friend did, and hopes to provide women in similar situations as Jackson with easy access to help.
“If Sherri had the right places to go, I believe that she would still be here today,"
SDJF targets different ages and genders through its programs and campaigns. One program targets teenagers, teaching adolescents about healthy relationships and how to tell when a relationship has become abusive.
Another program within SDJF allows women to gather once a month and talk about different subjects relating to domestic abuse.
The organization also has an event called Men Speak, where ex-abusers, victims and advocates against domestic violence get together to spread awareness. These campaigns hope to educate and offer help to victims, family members, and those in recovery.
“[For] victims of domestic violence the cycle keeps going on, but here at the Sherri Denese Jackson Foundation, we can break the cycle of abuse,” Shipman said.
The foundation is working to support the community and encourages victims to gain the courage to reach out for help. And Shipman hopes community members know that SDJF will be there for them no matter what.
“Domestic violence is a community situation. It's not an individual situation. It's up to the community. If your family is not there, then the community's there.”
Resources
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, or NCADV, close to 20 people a minute in the United States are physically abused by an intimate partner. Adding up to almost 10 million people a year.
And while SDJF is one resource for domestic violence there are several others in the Greensboro area, like the Family Justice Center and the Women’s Resource Center.
The Family Justice Center
Source: NCCADV
In 2013 Guilford County had the most deaths from domestic violence per county in North Carolina, with 12.5% of all deaths by domestic violence in North Carolina, according to the North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
The Guilford County Family Justice Center strove to combat this statistic. It is considered a one-stop-shop for victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, child abuse, and elder abuse.
Director of the Family Justice Center, Catherine Johnson, describes it as a mall. They house all types of services from legal to emotional support and mental health services. Allowing those who need help to come to one place and find everything they need.
“We knew that we were making it really complicated for people in crisis to navigate the help systems that they needed...we know that when people are in crisis, most people are going to go one place,” Johnson said.
At the Family Justice Center, every person that goes in looking for help participates in a 20-minute triage. Based on that, their options are given to them and they get to decide which path is best for them. Johnson hopes that the Family Justice Center helps to empower victims to keep going.
“When you think you can’t be knocked down any lower you can get back up again,” Johnson said.
Women's Resource Center
Every nine seconds in the US, a woman is assaulted or beaten, according to Partnership Against Domestic Violence, an organization committed to ending domestic violence. A statistic that the Women’s Resource Center hopes to change.
Established in 1991, the Women’s Resource Center hopes to provide information and support women in the Alamance and Guilford County area. They specialize in letting those in need know the options available to them.
“We’re not a crisis center,” said Women’s Resource Center Intake Coordinator Holly Bessey. “We don't handle that level of care. So I'm immediately going to refer somebody in that kind of a situation to the right place.”
Every 9 seconds a women in the U.S. is assaulted or beaten
The Women’s Resource Center also offers a wide variety of programs to empower women that include everything from mentoring those facing difficult transitions to business development.
“We want to help people market their services and tell about the great work that is going on in this community to help people,” Executive Director Ashley Brooks said.
Legal advice
According to the United States Department of Justice, the term Domestic Violence includes felony and misdemeanor crimes, meaning oftentimes, victims need legal support.
Family Law is one area of law that handles domestic violence cases. Kristen DelForge is a lawyer at Vernon Law Firm in Alamance county who specializes in Family Law.
“You’re dealing with a lot of people who are in crisis for whatever reason their world has been turned upside down,” DelForge said. “Usually you can’t ever tell them ‘I can just fix your life to go back the way it was.’”
Delfoge says that for victims of domestic violence there are different motions that can be filed in court to help protect them. One of those is the 50-B domestic violence protection order, which allows a judge to authorize specific protection to a victim in a domestic violence situation.
But DelForge says there are a wide variety of motions that can be filed in order to help victims.
“If there are accounts that need to be accessed or something that needs to be determined. Is it separate property or not separate property or distributed to one spouse or the other on an interim basis, or emergency custody motions may come up,” DelForge said.
She says that if someone thinks they might need legal help, getting a consultation from an attorney is the best way to start. She also adds that while the law can help, your safety is the most important.
How to help
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, NCADV, domestic violence can include anything from physical or sexual abuse to verbal and mental abuse.
However, the severity and duration of domestic violence can vary greatly. Abuse can begin with one partner accusing the other of cheating before escalating to something as severe as death threats or rape.
The best way to prevent domestic violence is to know the warning signs. According to NCADV, some warning signs include:
Volunteering, donating to local domestic violence shelters, or wearing purple, the color that represents domestic violence awareness, are also ways to help prevent domestic violence and support survivors.
If you or someone you know is in immediate need of help or resources the National Domestic Violence Hotline number is 1-800-799-SAFE(7233).
One Sunday, Clemons finally decided she had had enough. She was sitting in a church service and her pastor's sermon "spoke to her." After that, she started making plans to leave, relying on her faith and her church to help get her through.
“I went and talked to my pastor and I said, I can't take it anymore. She was like, 'Well, you've come to me, but you said you'd be leaving and you're going back and forth,' I said, 'I know I said this, but I am, I'm done. I've made up my mind, I found a place and I started saving,'" Clemons said. "So it takes a person getting fed up and making their mind up. Then they start making exit strategies and exit plans.”